Oh this is just great. Just fucking perfect.
Here I am, minding my business as the ruler of hell (not the most illustrious job, mind you) and I get news of this? This is… Fuck me.
So, apparently, my counterpart God has gone crazy, and is kicking everyone out of heaven, causing massive chaos on earth. People are dying left and right, and we aren’t fit to hold good people, so we have to turn people away, resulting in more cases of paranormal activity. See this is what happens when someone doesn’t do their fucking job. Everything gets messed up, the world turns on its head, I get way too much traffic.
You know what? No. I’m not going to fucking stand for this… This… Bullshit. I’m going to go up there, bust down the gates of heaven, and rip God a new one. You hear that grandpa sparkles?! Good old lucifer’s gonna set you back where you belong!
… Or so I thought.
When I got to the surface, as I suspected people freaked the fuck out. Of course you’d freak out when the lord of the demons walks the earth with a gigantic sword (for protection heheh) and a creepy smile on his face. And of course they’d start firing their tanks at me. It’s only normal. Stings a bit, but it’s normal.
What I DIDN’T expect, however, was all the angels floating on earth.
So I walk up to one and say hey. He looks just as confused as I am.
“Hey, Michael! What’s going on?”
“Lucifer? It’s been a while. How ya been doing?”
“Oh just peachy. I was GOING to come up to talk some sense into God, but look what I’ve walked into. What’s going on up here?”
“For the love of all that’s holy, the lord’s gone mad. He just… Lost his shit. For no reason. At all. Throwing holy light everywhere and screaming, “IMSICKOFTHISSHITGRAAAH!”. I mean, being the ruler of heaven must get tedious after time, but c’mon. Throwing everyone out? Then he left us to take care of the leftovers. It’s bullshit. Birth rates have dropped exponentially since we haven’t had the time to mold any babies, and people are freaking out. Granted, I’m sure you can tell, being the ruler of hell and all. Must’ve been a ton of extra traffic due to death rates not dropping. I know the earth is taking it hard too. Poor old Gaia can hardly bear all the commotion of the dead.”
“Knew the fucker went nuts. Well, I’ll have to see you later, Michael, I’ve gotta go snap some sense into the glorified lightbulb. See ya!”
“Catch you later satan! Maybe over coffee sometime!”
And I launch into the sky, black, shadowy wings tearing from my back (I know it’s showy but how could I not), and tear a hole in the sky to get into heaven.
… It looks like shit.
The place has streaks of light flowing all throughout it in a messy, throw-it-just-anywhere fashion. God. Has went bat. Shit. Crazy.
I can hear him inside the gates yelling in the old voice, “I’M NOT A HOTEL! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING GOOD PEOPLE INTO MY DINING HALL, NOT PRUDISH PRICKS WHO SOUND LIKE THEY HAVE A STICK 5 MILES UP THEIR ASS!”
Okay. Now I think I see what’s going on.
I enter the gates and make my way to Valhalla, God’s hall for champions, and hear more loud booming.
Gods still throwing a hissy fit, eh? Well I know how to stop that.
I knock on the door.
“Yo God. It’s me, Lucifer. Got some time?”
“FUCK OFF SATAN!”
Heh, wrong choice of words, boyo.
I kick down the door to see a raging God, throwing everything everywhere and trying to obliterate things with light spheres. Good thing he made those near indestructible when he created Valhalla, or else this place would be ruins by now.
God’s vision snaps to me. Good, that’s where I want it.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!”
“Oh, I just came here to stop your hissy fit and maybe beat some sense into you.” I say, polishing my sword. “Seems you’ve forgotten your role, friend, and I’m going to make you remember.”
“OVER MY UNENDING SOUL!”
And he swings at me. I dodge it easily, swinging the sword into his ribcage and sending him flying into the wall.
“ILL DESTROY YOU!”
“Many have tried, all of them failed. Could you be the-OOF!”
He ends my monologue with a flying kick to the face, having pushed off the wall.
“Damn! That hurt you son of a bitch!”
I yell, smashing the blade into his jaw in a two-handed uppercut.
He retaliates by using an enhanced version of gravity to slam his fist into my skullcap. I can tell, this fight’ll be a long one.
… Or maybe God will just burst suddenly into tears. That could happen too.
“Hey, what’s wrong big man?”
“It’s… It’s been too much. There’s too many things going on up here and the brunt of the work falls on me! Controlling the seasons, the sunrise, the sunset, evaluating warriors into Valhalla, too many things! I never get a second to myself!”
Firstly, I slap him.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“Only a coward gives up mid fight. You taught me that.”
Secondly, I slap him.
“The hell?! What was that one for?!”
“Personal tragedies are no reason to kick everyone out of heaven! Have you no empathy dear father!? Everyone, including the dead and the Angels, are going stark raving mad down there! Nobody can accomplish anything with you throwing a temper tantrum up here!”
Thirdly, I offer a hand to help him up.
“Here. Get your ass off the ground, big lug.”
I help him off the ground, and he sighs.
“What should I do? I need time to myself for a bit, but who’s going to fill my place while I’m gone? Michael can’t take over the job, he’s got his own damned duties, and there’s no-one else I can trust to hold the position while I’m gone…”
“You seem to have forgotten the ace in the hole, my friend.”
“The old gods, Zeus. You know, the ones you sent to slumber because you felt you could take on the job alone?”
“… Fuck me I totally forgot about them.”
“Just wake them back up and let them take care of the jobs for a while. They’ve done it in the past, they can do it now.”
“Yeah! Finally I can have some free time!”
“Hell yeah! Hey, wanna swing by hell and chug a few? Y’know, to celebrate the start of a brand new age!”
“Sure! Just let me go and wake them up…”
And it was all fine from there. Me and God went back down to hell, at the amazement of the mortals, and put down some devil’s mead (real strong stuff, too much so for mortals.). Finally, all was back to normal, the dead were roped back into heaven and assorted properly, and all was well again.
And finally, God got some free time to himself.
Authors note: Whew! Been a while! Ya missed me? Of course you have, who am I kidding. Hope you don’t mind the more jokey and overall non-serious tone of this one, but hey, it’s just what popped into my brain. My mind be the pen, these thoughts the ink, this site the paper. Till next time, this is Ultra, signing off once more!